Compound Interest & The Highlight “Real” [Day 39]
By Linda Ho
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 NLT)
So it’s day… 9,238 of quarantine, right? Can I be honest? This whole shelter-in-place is bringing out the worst in me. The sloth, the prideful, and most definitely the glutton. Can anyone resonate with that? Am I the only one that feels like all of my insecurities are at an all-time high?
In a recent counseling session, my therapist and I did a deep dive into a behavior I have a tendency to exhibit. I’ll have a desire to accomplish something, but if I don’t think it will turn out 100% exactly how I envision, I won’t commit to the process, let alone even try. I wanted to refinish some furniture, but a half-hour into sanding it down, I gave up. Tore it apart and threw it away. Now, I’m coffee table-less. I wanted to master baking macarons, and I’ve been so frustrated with the results, I stopped trying. So where does this come from? I’m a pretty motivated, go-getter type of person. But I’m also extremely lazy. I know it doesn’t make sense, but still, what is the root cause of this?
After talking it out more, we realized that it stems from my biggest insecurity: never having graduated from college. If you know my story, this is a huge weight in my life. One that can easily bring me to tears and makes me want to low-key shame myself. I didn’t graduate, even though I tried, and it didn’t turn out the way I expected. And because of that, my life didn’t turn out the way I expected. I’m a planner. I’m type A. I have very specific things in mind. And when they don’t happen, everything falls apart. Maybe not immediately, or even all at once. Again, why is this happening?
I have a two-part theory.
Compound interest. Something I experienced so long ago is still affecting me to this day. In an impactful and unnoticeable-until-it’s-noticeable kind of way. I made this “investment” years ago, and now it has completely debilitated my drive to take on a new challenge. Something I continually brush off keeps coming back, and it gets worse every time.
The highlight “real.” Yes, I mean reel, but I also mean REAL. The highlight reel is SO real. I see people on social media of all these new things people are doing in quarantine. Growing their green thumb. Mastering their art skills. Remodeling their house. Creating fun, likeable content TikTok. (So embarrassing to even write that.) So much comparison goes on in my head. “I don’t want to come out of quarantine with nothing to show for all the extra time I had at home. Binge-watching shows is not productive.”
Who am I proving myself to? No one is going to say, “You should be spending your time more wisely,” or “Wow, you didn’t do much with your time. What did you even do?” Whenever I tell someone, “Yeah, I just binge-watched Gossip Girl and anime,” they immediately respond with “Good for you. You really needed that time for yourself.” Why am I putting these expectations and comparisons on myself when no one else is?
Clearly, if I’m still struggling through all this, I don’t have all the answers. But what I want you to hear is that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one setting someone else’s definition of “success” and “productivity” as your own. You’re not the only one getting jealous of others when they accomplish something really cool, unique, fun, or different. You’re not the only one sitting at your place, feeling disappointed about the choices you made today or for putting off more things until tomorrow.
Whenever you’re in those moments, don’t brush them off and act like it’s nothing. Lean into them and take them by the horns. Give them to God. Call a friend. Tell your small group. Bring someone into it. The more you keep things to yourself, the more alone you’ll feel. The more your burdens will weigh you down.
He cannot heal what we don’t reveal.
Prayer
Father God, thank You for Your unconditional love. No matter how much of a mess I am, You are there to put the pieces back together. God, thank You for wanting to give me more, even when I don’t deserve it. Thank You for believing and trusting in me. Lord, I pray for strength in low moments and to know my past mistakes don’t define me. I pray for wisdom and guidance to know who You have called me to be and to stand firm in that everyday. I pray for courage to bring in others when I’m feeling doubtful or shameful. I pray I overcome these battles once and for all. To heal, learn, and grow. In Your mighty name, amen.
