Don't Move On [Day 38]
By Yuna Kim
Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe." (John 20:26-27 ESV)
I met this girl in the back row of a new church sanctuary in 2012, and the story goes: She asked what brought me there, I shared my story, she cried for me, grabbed my hand and told me she was sorry for my pain. Fast forward 3 years: We’re best friends, we saw a boy, she said she was interested, he caught on, they got married, and I emceed their holy matrimony day. Now the number one thing on her I-wish-for-please-pray-for-me list was to have a little baby Chang. I promised her that I’d pray for that specific request every morning as I blow dried my Rapunzel-level hair (easily a 20 minute prayer session). After a year of them trying, she surprised us with the news: baby boy Owen Chang to be born in September of 2017. They bought a new house with the perfect little nook of a room for a nursery. She laid out his “coming home” clothes after we went back and forth on the color of his teenie beanie. They were ready to start their new life of 3. And finally, the moment we all so badly petitioned for arrived: she went into labor and gave birth to a non-crying angel of a babe on September 30th, but a few hours later on October 1st, Jane passed away.
When we plan for large milestones—the first day of college, our wedding day, the birth of our first kid—we never imagine getting stopped short at the 99% mark. How do we come to godly terms with things we felt like had to have happened by mistake? I didn’t know how to do the last leg of grieving: the part where we move on. Because it felt inappropriate to sink back into my usual routine of life, of normalcy. It was such a big deal—all the horror and shock—and normalcy felt like pretend. But we needed to move on without her.
Except, not. Don’t move on.
When Jesus came back to life after everyone witnessed his brutal death on Calvary, He appeared with all the evidence marred on His body. Weird, why didn’t the almighty God come back in pristine condition? There are a few reasons I’d learned through Sunday sermons growing up in the church. Pastors love shedding new light on that token passage during Easter. But one week after I got the call from Jane’s husband that she didn’t make it, the Lord revealed another lesson in his scars: we are to be reminded, not to torture but to commission. It’s not about pretending that the pain wasn’t as excruciating and visceral as we’d felt, or fading the lessons learned until it no longer accumulates burning tears. Jesus didn’t ask his friends to move on from him or without him, but to move forward with his Spirit and the new understanding and mission they’d been given.
When hardship happens, life is never the same. I don’t think the goal is to try to return to the same exact state. We are called to persevere in forward motion, and the way we do this is by remembering what He’s done. It was never about me moving on from Jane, but about moving forward with the new perspective she’d given me. Because of Jane, I think eternally, giving the most weight to things that yield eternal value.
Think of the hardest seasons in your life. What were the godly lessons you learned from them? Now answer this: How are you moving forward with the changed perspective? Are you able to see the scars in your past without reopening the wounds? Ask the Lord to quiet the lies and the wrong lessons learned, and to amplify His voice and direction.
Prayer
Lord, we thank You for the extreme seasons of pain, and the fact that all of our momentary affliction yields an eternal gain. Heal us in the areas that are still raw, and bring us comfort as we rely on You to move forward with a redeemed perspective. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
